It’s probably not surprising that a lot of people’s complaints when they are going through the ‘aaaaaarrrrrrrgggggghhhh’ phase of culture shock are to do with the perceived lack of politeness. Or that a lot of the plaudits they give to the other culture when they are in the honeymoon stage are about how it is more cultured and refined. Which means, of course, also more polite.
But what is politeness?
Is it just remembering to use the right fork, saying please and thank you, knowing when to open the door and when not to, and when to tip and when not to?
Penelope Brown and Stephen Levinson, back in 1987, divided politeness into two types: positive politeness and negative politeness.
When I ask people to guess what each of these involve, it’s interesting that most often I get the suggestion that positive politeness is when you mean it, and negative politeness is a sort of fake, ritualised version of politeness. White lies are the most benign (‘does my bum look big in this?’) but it also covers things like sending a thank you note regardless of how much you like the present or the person who sent it, because that’s what you have to do, or, worse, because it is politic to do so.
In fact, this is a wrong guess.
Positive politeness is about showing someone they are valued. As an individual, with individual needs and wants, and as part of society, your community of friends and family, as a colleague and so on.
Negative politeness is about helping people save face so they do not look stupid, about not lowering their self worth or their worth in the eyes of others. It also covers not impinging on their freedom nay, their right, to do whatever the heck they want.
There’s some overlap, of course. Recognising someone’s individual worth also covers not trying to limit that to an extent.
I tend to think of positive politeness as proactive and about boosting the other person.
This is why it involves things like paying compliments and giving praise, as well as making that praise slightly (or very) exaggerated (that was very good/ excellent instead of adequate or even plain good, for example). It also helps to be specific in your praise to prevent it seeming ritualised and meaningness – that negative perception of politeness I mentioned earlier. And, of course, it’s about agreeing as much as possible.
Negative politeness is reactive.
There is a situation, or something you want to say, that may upset the other person, so you want to soften it. This is where hedging comes in. You are going to be indirect, phrase something hypothetically rather than directly, make it seem like it’s just your opinion rather than a fact and, or rather, or make it seem like a request rather than an order.
Now, these categories are intended to apply not just to the English speaking culture the authors belonged to but all cultures, everywhere, all the time.
But while the categories and broad tendencies remain the same, the actual way of achieving it across cultures does not.
And neither is it just about words, what you say, and how you say it.
Take smiling for example. In the UK, which is where I am from, having a permanently pleasant half smile in public is a thing. This is because, regardless of how well you know them, smiling at people when you are greeting them, saying goodbye, giving instructions, giving feedback, asking for or giving directions on the street, selling them something, etc, etc, etc, etc is a way of showing that you consider the other person worthy.
In Russia, which is another culture I am very familiar with, smiling is not a thing. Not unless you mean it, not for strangers or acquaintances, or for trivialities.
Now this is often presented as evidence of people wanting to hide their private true selves from anyone who has not passed a certain friendship test, but another way of looking at it* is that while smiling at people represents positive politeness in the sense of showing your smilee that you are inviting them into your circle, that you are showing them they belong and are valued, not smiling at them is respecting them as individuals. You are not imposing on their freedom or limiting their ability to act by making them them join your gang.
Interestingly, you can also see this in the way Brits sometimes react to being exposed to the high wattage aggressive friendliness of American shop assistants or random strangers in lifts or long distance aeroplanes. There is indeed a level up from gently curving your lips up and starting every conversation with five minutes of small talk about the weather as a way of signalling a bond, and we UKians don’t like it, much as I imagine Russians are disconcerted by my insistence on grinning at them (with TEETH!!!) as a teacher almost before we have been introduced.

Photo by Lucas Sankey on Unsplash
Of course, it doesn’t stop me doing it. Forcing that intimacy is another way of saying ‘building rapport’. Bask in this example of hacking politeness norms to achieve a particular effect, brought about by the existence of politeness norms in the first place.
But there are also limits to how far you can violate people’s sense of what is acceptable. Which is why I have a chatbot for talking about the weather with. Must be trained on non-British data though because it keeps going off topic.
Anyway.
Most people in most places are probably trying to be polite. They might not be trying to be polite in the way you expect though. Before you take offence or start making overgeneralised statements about a whole group of people, it might be a good idea to look at it from a different perspective.
That said, I think people often focus more on negative politeness strategies aka trying to avoid being rude, including an obsession with the wording of criticism.
Let us spread more positivity instead!
Can I just say, dear reader, that it is a pleasure to not really know you, you are almost certainly an excellent human being, and deserve all and more of the hopefully wonderful things that are coming your way. You are also correct in whatever criticisms you have of this piece of writing, and please feel very free not to leave any comment whatsoever here or on social media. It’s your choice!
*This particular example was actually supplied by Lingthusiasm’s recent podcast on this very topic of politeness in case you think I am reaching a bit here. Well worth listening to as always, but I have thoughts about their dissection of the word ‘please’ which really needs a whole other post. Watch this space. Politeness is interesting.